Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Comedy Gold

Oh I get it. Because Natalie Portman is white. Heh.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

SHREK ripped off RENT


Shrek is a big ugly ogre. He can't find anyone else who would be understanding of his being a big ugly ogre so he is alone. He meets a hot girl, but can't be with her because he's an ogre. And then, the lazy writers make her secretly an ogre too, which sucks for her until she realizes being an ogre rules because now she can be with her true love because they're both ogres. YAY BEING AN OGRE!


Roger has AIDS. He can't find anoyne else who would be understanding of having AIDS so he is alone. He meets a hot girl, but can't be with her because he's got AIDS. And then, the lazy writer make her secretly have AIDS too, which sucks for her, untils she realizes having AIDS rules because now she can be with her true love because they're both HIV positive. YAY HAVING AIDS!

Monday, February 06, 2006

An Open Letter To The Residents of Seattle

Dear Seattle,

Sorry about the Super Bowl. But at least you don't live in Pittsburgh.

With Love,

Brian Lynch

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

A Special Note to the guy in line at Golden Apple

Brian Lynch here. This is going out to the pasty four eyed gentleman that was in front of me in line at the Golden Apple on Melrose between the time of 4:45 and 5:15.

Dear Sir,

UNDERWORLD: EVOLUTION did not rule. Nor did UNDERWORLD. It was not "dumb campy fun". It WAS dumb, to be sure, but it took itself far too seriously to be "campy" and was far too long and incoherent to be "fun". It did not have "decent f/x", but if it did, that would NOT be a reason to like a movie, unless you were 11 years old or George Lucas.

You seemed really excited about the fact that Kate Beckinsale was in a tight black leather (your word, not mine, I truly believe in my heart of hearts that it was vinyl), and that's great. Your enjoyment of the black "leather" was clear, and your description of how great she looked was truly the only thing out of your chapped lips that didn't have that tinge of self-doubt, which let me know that deep, deep down the normal person in you is screaming "holy shit, I'm singing the praises of a god-awful vampire movie in the middle of a comic store".

I hope that normal person in you makes an appearance soon. I hope your inner average joe busts out of that pasty cocoon as a full-fledged social butterfly, I truly do. Nurture him, nerdlinger. THE FORTY YEAR OLD VIRGIN wasn't just a movie, it was a warning.

To recap: UNDERWORLD: EVOLUTION sucked. Not like GREEN LANTERN this week, which absolutely ruled. When Mongol ripped his sister's head off I nearly shit myself.

With love,

Brian Lynch

PS: to the guy he was talking to. REVENGE OF THE SITH was not the best movie of the year. But you might have been saying that in mocking jest. I mean, you'd almost have to be.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Movie Review: Underworld Evolution

Monkey Man go check out UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION because first UNDERWORLD pretty much greatest movie ever, due to one thing: acting of Shane Brolly, who play Kraven.

Kraven understand that movie talk (or, as people with glasses and hymens say, "dialog") need be shouted to high heavens. What point of being on huge movie screen if you going to whisper? Kraven let everyone know exactly how he feeling at all time, there no room for questioning. If it possible to actually have words underlined when you talk, Kraven find a way. He just that good.

Anyway, Monkey Man sit in first row with his GET KRAVEN t-shirt and homemade Kraven action figure (made with body of Buffy "Spike" toy and MacFarlane Janis Joplin head), drinking his Kraven-coke (just regular coke with tons more sugar poured in) and Kraven-popcorn (regular popcorn, but eater must declare "I eating popcoooooooorn" every time he ingest), and settle in as UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION start. Yaaaaaawn. Opening scene no Kraven. Lots exposition, "last week on UNDERWORLD" type bullshit. No girl in vinyl, no handsome dude that turn into Nightcrawler Werewolf.

And then, title come on. Monkey Man somewhat dissapointed name not SHANE BROLLY'S UNDERWORLD or UNDERWORLD KRAVE-OLUTION or even UNDERWORLD, TOO but dissapoint turn to sticky excitement when Shane Brolly storm onto scene. Wow, he even walk obvious, really lets you know he's moving his legs. He about to give giant speech that rock heavens...

...when new bad guy come out of floor and kill Shane Brolly.

That it. No more Kraven. One scene, in and out. Kraven no even have time to clench fists in rage.

Bottom line: UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION completely worthless. Zero Kravens up.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Most sought after movie at Sundance

Monkey Man get inside scoop, find exclusive clip hiding on intranet. Scroll down, cut and paste...

You welcome.

Tonight on a Fresh New Blog: Murder in Smallville X

Monkey Man watch Smallville, and Monkey Man pretty sure Clark going to grow up to be Superman. But before that, someone supposed to die next fresh episode. Jor-El totally take Clark powers away earlier in season, and then give them back but all "well now someone gotta die, so deal". Who it be? Monkey Man figure it out 5000 and beyond. Let's figure this out together. But mostly Monkey Man, you guys shut up.


Okay, Clark probably not die. He not Superman yet. Superman die when Doomsday come Metropolis, look to start shit. MIGHT be Clark, though, maybe Doomsday go Clark's college in first five minutes with glasses and gelled hair. He won't be evil monster, but handsome fresh-faced model, a "f-o-g-v-s" (friend of gus van sant) and he kill Clark in pose-off. But no, if Doomsday come into show, he be introduced few episodes earlier so writers could squeeze funny foreshadowing into his dialog "Oh Clark, I've been dying to meet you", or "man, that kid is gonna be the death of me" or "I'm fucking Doomsday, you nitwit".



Nope, she alive in DC world, so she fine. Plus, after watching for five years, Monkey Man figure she die long time ago, they just prop up and move mouth. WEEKEND AT HOTTIES kinda situation.



Everyone think it gonna be him, because he dead in movies, and original DC continuity, but brought back in 80's. Way things are going in INFINITE CRISIS, he probably going to die again, or four Jonathan Kents that no one remembers will pop up and talk about the Kent Force being gone. So originally Monkey Man think he definitely the guy who die. UNTIL comics2film. com show lots of pictures with spoilers, and many of them Clark standing over Jonathan Kent dead dead dead. Seriously, go check them out. WB release them. BAIT AND SWITCH ANYONE? Monkey Man think so. It not Jonathan Kent, no sir. Besides, everyone know if that actor die they just replace them with identical actor named "Coy" and no one want that.



They kill her every week. She not going to die. Plus, if it IS Jonathan Kent who die, think of all funny dating episodes they can do. Martha dating Bizarro pretty much ratings grabber.



Might be him, he close to Clark, and since he not on show, who care he gone. It kinda cheating, though, and Monkey Man hope it not simply because of Pete Ross' declaration of "Remy Zerrrrrrrrrrrrrro" at prom.



SPOILER Clark totally marry her END SPOILER she no die, no way. She so hot bullets bounce off her anyway, only thing deserve touch her is hand of God making a return trip to show off his handiwork. Plus, hasn't she suffered enough, she had to make out with Aquaman.



He totally the best one on show, only way it him if actor wake up one morning in sweat and declare "holy crap, I'm on SMALLVILLE!" and call agents in panic. But no, no, no, Monkey Man know for fact that anyone in SORORITY BOYS can only be killed by other actors from SORORITY BOYS beheading him. He fine.



Jor-El say it someone close to Clark, and Lex's Dad no close to Clark. If first five minutes of show feature Lex's Dad saving Clark from Kryptonite truck and giving orphan a hay-penny to buy ham for Kents, he dead. If not, he fine.


So who die? Monkey Man only down to one option, and it break his mutant monkey heart.


She nosy reporter. Lois nosy reporter. She like Clark. Lana like Clark. She confidant. Lana and parents and Pete Ross confidant. She losing her place on show. She not in comic books. Plus she have scenes with Carrie Fisher, and Monkey Man suspect Carrie Fisher keep alive by sucking souls of whoever near.

This terrible idea, Monkey Man love Chloe. Monkey Man begin fresh new ways of killing WB execs if this the case. But it between her and Jonathan Kent, and WB show photos of Jonathan death, that like saying "who will die? It's Jonathan, we swears!" Monkey Man not buying it.


If this the case, Monkey Man have message for Chloe:

Call Monkey Man. Monkey Man have fresh new ideas for Dead Chloe/Monkey Man adventure hour. It mostly involve sex and feeding each other grapes, which admittedly not really adventure, unless someone a parapaledgic. Everything an adventure for them, those lucky SOBs.

Next week: Monkey Man guesses who die on WILL AND GRACE. Monkey Man guesses it probably someone gay and loud.

Peace, Monkey Man outty!

But for serious, Chloe better not be outty of this mortal coil, lest there be full-on fresh monkey retribution.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Monkey Man reviews INIFINITE CRISIS # 4

Monkey Man have comic coming out soon, so Monkey Man need to catch up on comics and check out competition. Monkey Man go to comic store and ask chubby man behind desk what popular. Monkey Man realize that asking chubby comic store owner "what popular" cruel, and somewhat akin to asking Katie Holmes "what real relationship" but that neither here nor is it there. Comic store owner plunk down something called INFINITE CRISIS # 4 into Monkey Man's hands and tell him that's what getting fat kids' underpants in a bunch nowadays, aside from the wedgies jocks give them for reading stuff like INFINITE CRISIS in public. Monkey Man go home and read it.

Word on loser street is that this actually third crisis this universe has had in last couple decades. Heroes really not doing their jobs. Comic store owner explain that this story attempt to "raise stakes" and "create excitement and hopefully bring in new readers" by publishing story that would lose new reader in minutes because of convoluted story and thousands of characters.


As far as Monkey Man could tell, bad guys (including gorilla, for serious) drop giant green Schmoo (maybe it Slimer, Monkey Man not sure) on town and blow it up. This piss off Robin, who is not Robin anymore. Green Schmoo blow up Not Robin's town and Robin not happy about it. Monkey Man not blame Not Robin, it kinda a stupid way to go.

Then we see Lex Luthor, who not really Lex Luthor but other Lex Luthor (with hair and Stargate costume) kiss some blonde girl with big boobs and say "we've been messing with your Earth for years" in an attempt to bring his Earth, which not the Earth anymore (entire planet replaced, like Robin) to being the best Earth in the big Earth contest.

We see Superman, who not Superman anymore, hang out with Lois who is dying, which kinda sad but at least she not killed by giant green Schmoo so at least that's something.

Meanwhile, Superboy, who not really Superboy anymore (new readers will love all of this, Monkey Man thinks), goes to new Superboy's house and pick fight. He kicks new Superboy's ass, but new Superboy activates his "T" lapel and calls in a bunch of heroes Monkey Man never see before, but it no matter because Classic Superboy rip their heads off, and their arms off, and cut one in half. So Classic Superboy a killer, New Superboy a wuss, Monkey Man hoping Diet Superboy With Lemon come out of nowhere and set things straight, but it no happen (in this issue anyway).

Back to Not Robin, who talks to Batman (who as far as Monkey Man could tell, is still Batman) and is all "remember the good times" and Not Robin is all "heh, yeah", and for a second they forget about all the dead people in Not Robin's town so that's nice.

Booster Gold, who look like Owen Wilson, come to kid's house and ask why he have Blue Beetle scarab, and Booster Gold learn that kid might become new Blue Beetle, which make Booster Gold mad. Monkey Man thinks in a comic where everyone from Robin to Superman to Earth replaced by someone/something new, this should not surprise Booster Gold, but it does.

Cut away to some black dead dude, who suddenly possessed by Spirit of some albino in a green cloak, thus becoming the new improved Little Green Riding Albino. This sound like stupid comic in theory but Monkey Man weak and know he probably pick up first issue and all it's variant covers because it be worth a lot by the time Monkey Boy go to finishing school.

Back to Superboy, who is still killing generic teen heroes left and right, each time letting out an Urkelesque "did I do that?" when he is sideswiped by Flash (who not the original Flash) and Kid Flash (who not original Kid Flash) and someone who original Flash but not the one we know, because he wear a funny hat with wings. Funny Hat Flash no able to keep up with cooler newer Flashes (hat must be heavy) and he sputter out, but New Flash and New Kid Flash keep running really fast, and realize that for some reason this might kill them, so New Flash contact wife and kids and say "hey, I have to go but you're awesome" and wife say "I'm going with you" and she such good wife that she grab twin baby kids and yank them in, even though they probably die too.

This not kill New Flash however, instead, he magically transported somewhere else that we never see (maybe Narnia) and New Kid Flash punch Superboy when the Second Original Flash (who die in original Crisis) come back and and help punch Superboy. This big revelation, except New Original Flash and New Kid Flash dissapear to Narnia too. First Original Flash with funny hat watch as they dissapear and then he all "speed force is gone" which would be shocking if Monkey Man knew that something called speed force was ever there. RIP, Speed Force, long may you do something or other in heaven.

Meanwhile, Firestorm, who not old Firestorm but newer, blacker Firestorm (original should now be dubbed "Crystal Firestorm") shoot a bunch of people and try to get to not quite Lex Luthor but he no get there and Super New Lex 2.0 manage to bring his newer, happy more innocent world back. It big revelation and now classic happy DC world is back, and dark characters gone. Try and forget that classic innocent DC heroes got rid of "darker" characters by killing and kidnapping and blowing up entire cities, please.

So that what happen. Monkey Man can't wait for next issue, or maybe Cliff's notes so Monkey Man understand what happen. In conclusion: Monkey Man give INFINITE CRISIS four huhs what?

Back into hell: I AM ME album review part II

Monkey Man back for more suffering. We in home stretch, people. Couple more songs and then we don't have to talk about Ashlee Simpson again until Monkey Man start dating and everyone go "why you take album review down" and Monkey Man type-talk "shhhhhhhhh"...

Without further typing, Monkey Man present:

I AM STILL ME: The Monkey Man Review Part the IIe

SONG 7 Burning Up
EMOTION EVOKED: 105 degrees of awesome

She burning burning burning for you. Touch her hand and she can fly. Monkey Man wonders if this supposed to be on the FANTASTIC FOUR soundtrack. Monkey Man check album to see if there song called "What am I invisble, you stretchy poof, fuck it, I'm going for the Commish", but there no such thing.

SONG 8 Catch Me When I Fall
EMOTION EVOKED: Suddenly responsible for Ashlee's Safety

She just said she could fly, but now she worried about falling. At least Ashlee thinking ahead. "Not ashamed to see me when I crawl, who's gonna catch me when I fall". Ashlee, you're fucking crawling, you no need worry about someone catching you if you fall, use your fucking head.

Sorry, Monkey Man really angry at this point. Not only she boring shit outta Monkey Man, she making demands. Fuck Ashlee Simpson.

SONG 9 I Am Me

Title track. "I am me and I'm not gonna change for anyone". Save for publicist, who really think I should be blonde this time out. Corporate Synergy, because tow-head Jessica releasing album called "I AM...UM, SHIT I KNEW THIS ONE THIS MORNING LET ME WAKE UP JOHNNY KNOXVILLE AND SEE WHAT HE THINKS I AM". This shout-out anthem to being true to who you are, sung by girl most famous for lip syncing and being someone's sister.

SONG 10 Eyes Wide Open

"Do you know how it feels to be afraid, lying there frozen with my eyes wide open?" No, Ashlee, Monkey Man no know what it like to be there lying with your eyes wide open. For God's sake, try a second draft when you write, things go so much better. Speaking of writing, how amazing is it that title of her albums AUTOBIOGRAPHY and I AM ME, but songs on it either written or co-written by someone else? Monkey Man love irony as much as he currently hate decision to review Ashlee Simpson album.

Last song!

SONG 11 Say Good-Bye
EMOTION EVOKED: Full agreement

Best song ever. Why? It last song. Monkey Man think in keeping with rest of album, this should have been the first song, as nothing else made sense so why not? Ashlee say good-bye to either abusive lover or her father.

"It's not for you to pull me from the ground, so I scream, scream cuz it hurts, your every word cuts me inside and leave me worse, there's no way back, but what if there was, you'd still be you"

Monkey Man think this song would have worked great for closing montage of last episode of Jessica Simpson/Nick Lachey show, as they break up. Or maybe, if civilization ever end, this can play over test pattern. Fact that this album debuted number one indicate that time very very near.

So, to sum up: Ashlee Simpson is the sister of someone famous and has nice boobs and a reality show. Also she has an album. Monkey Man listen to it, and realize that she totally indpendent and will steal your man and if that man not nice she totally leave him, though when she touch certain people she can fly. Flying no problem whatsoever, but she does need someone to spot her when and if she crawl.

Monkey Man final verdict: Wait until you see it in discount bin. And then no buy it then. But look for WATERWORLD toys, sometimes they there.

Peace, Monkey Man am me!