Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Album Review: I AM ME by Ashlee Simpson Part 1

Monkey Man big lover of good music. So when Monkey Man hear Jessica Simpson have younger sister that sing, Monkey Man think two things: (A) is it at all possible that Jessica Simpson sister have even half as much as talent as triple threat Jessica and (B) just how big are little sister's boobs? Must be at least fairly big.

Monkey Man no hear Ashlee Simpson's debut album, because Monkey Man super busy with projects, like "Project: Avoid Ashlee Simpson's debut album" and "Project: Oh, that Ashlee Simpson, time to change radio station". But Monkey Man get sent copy of Ashlee Simpson new record and see title: I AM ME. Anyone who take such brave stance must be listened to. And listen Monkey Man did. Monkey Man not able to listen to whole album in one shot, because Monkey Man not God. But the fact that Monkey Man listen to half dozen Ashlee Simpson songs so you no have to pretty much securing cushioned chair at Heaven's best table.

Without further typing, Monkey Man proudly recount private listening party to first six songs on Ashlee's second album.

EMOTION EVOKED: Angry with touch of you go girl

Ashlee Simpson apologize for taking someone boyfriend. She seem real apologetic about it too, and that very nice of her. Album off to good start, Ashlee nice enough to give back-stabbing whores anthem to rock out to.

EMOTION EVOKED: New Age spiritual/suicidal

Ashlee tell boy that they totally soul-mates, but it just can't happen in this life. Mixed messages, little Simpson. First song, steal boy who obviously off-limits, second song, all systems go for this boy, but Ashlee not having it. Ashlee mystery wrapped in enigma shrouded in retard.

EMOTION EVOKED: I am woman hear me whore

Ashlee totally broken but she see bright side to everything. If she sees storm, she knows that it won't last. If she gets cancer, hey, great strides in medicine lately. She is beautifully broken, and she don't care. Exactly this "WHO GIVES A CRAP" attitude that totally killed Ace of Base, Ashlee, FYI.


With a refrain of L O L O L O LO V EEEEEEE, Ashlee great song for internet dorks AND come up with new tune for FBI to flush terrorists out of buildings in one fell swoop. Title dissapointing, Monkey Man figured L.O.V.E. would be code name for top secret task force created to destroy evil through lip-syncing, but instead it Ashlee really trying to sound out how to spell "love". Hey, she did it, good on her.

EMOTION EVOKED: Wistful for time before Monkey Man decided to do this album review

This guy so good it keeps Ashlee coming back for more. Sound like Ashlee hoping someone invent shampoo called "More" so she can sell this crap to use on commercial. "Keep'em coming back for moooooooooore by Herbal Essence".


Ashlee has no problem dancing alone because she will wait for this guy to be available. That nice of her, but upon hearing this album, guy will probably be like "Um, Ashlee, keep dancing a few more hours, me and my friends are playing a drinking game at the bar. See, the TV is on and every time Raymond's wife is snarky we're doing a shot...but you go ahead and dance alone, it shouldn't be too long, just gonna get good and drunk so I can tolerate your shrill voice on the ride home. You don't sing while you have sex, do you? Oh, you do? What's Jessica's number? Ha, kidding, but she is single now, so what is it, seriously."

That first half of album. Monkey Man pretty amazed he made it through. Second part coming up, unless God take mercy on Monkey Man and take away ears.


Blogger Chris Gannon said...

:Ashlee mystery wrapped in enigma shrouded in retard.

Quite possibly the best sentance that a blue monkey ahs ever written.

Thank you Monkey Man, for making this sacrifice so that we don't have to. Jesus nailed to a crucifix has nothing on you.


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