Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Monkey Man Movie Review: Match Point

MATCH POINT starring Swarmy British Man, Hot Girl with Hot Dude's voice, and Boredom as Himself Running Time: Infinity

Monkey Man see MATCH POINT because it star hot lady from best movie of the year, THE ISLAND. Monkey Man get new IPOD the day he see THE ISLAND, so he listening to SUMMER JAM MIX during screening and no hear dialog in movie. THE ISLAND have lots of explosions and slow-mo boobs so it really go well with songs like SINCE U BEEN GONE and GOLD DIGGER. Anyway, right when hot girl in THE ISLAND wear tank top while music blast something about broke niggas Monkey Man all "Monkey Man going to see whatever this girl in."

So Monkey Man go see MATCH POINT, only Monkey Man no bring Ipod. What frigging mistake that was. First of all, Hot Girl sound like smoking man who kicked in throat for sounding too much like a dude. All the boobs in the world (which admittedly Monkey Man think she have, what a boob hog) don't make up for voice that sound like Kathleen Turner's brother. Anyway, British asshole teach tennis and meet Husky Voice Hot Girl and fall in lust and say things like "I can teach you how to play" and she's all "you look like you play an agressive game" and Monkey Man think to self "hey, they probably not talking about tennis no more". It was around the time that one of them say "put tennis penis in my vagina net" that Monkey Man go "yes, they definitely speaking in euphomisms."

Anyway, Monkey Man fall asleep because movie so goddamn boring and start counting sheep. Monkey Man think sheep really on top of their game and fourth sheep jumping over fence is seriously strong Oscar contender this March.

Monkey Man wake up when British Asshole who love money more than giant boobs decide to get musket and start getting all bullety up in that joint. Monkey Man begin to think that British Asshole very much like Jason Bateman on SILVER SPOONS and then start wondering who would play the leads in a SILVER SPOONS movie. Monkey Man think maybe Hayley Joel Osment as Rick and King of Queens as his dad. Just when Monkey Man wondering whether or not Jack Nicholson would ever possibly consider doing cameo as rich Grandpa in SILVER SPOONS: THE MOVIE, the credits roll on MATCH POINT and Monkey Man get up and go home and get Ipod. Monkey Man buy second ticket for MATCH POINT and watch it with Ipod. SUMMER MIX kick in just as credits start and MATCH POINT suddenly become best movie of the year. British Asshole truly no need no broke niggas.

To sum up: five zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.


Blogger Bricks Marlin said...

You are so so right MM! The hot girl with the amazing boobs doesn't even get naked that we can see! So it's not worth watching anymore than a movie called Bananas that has no bananas in it! What a rip-off! And yes, I like bananas and exclamation points too much!

Does Monkey Man like bananas? I do!

7:17 AM


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