Thursday, January 19, 2006

Monkey Man reviews INIFINITE CRISIS # 4

Monkey Man have comic coming out soon, so Monkey Man need to catch up on comics and check out competition. Monkey Man go to comic store and ask chubby man behind desk what popular. Monkey Man realize that asking chubby comic store owner "what popular" cruel, and somewhat akin to asking Katie Holmes "what real relationship" but that neither here nor is it there. Comic store owner plunk down something called INFINITE CRISIS # 4 into Monkey Man's hands and tell him that's what getting fat kids' underpants in a bunch nowadays, aside from the wedgies jocks give them for reading stuff like INFINITE CRISIS in public. Monkey Man go home and read it.

Word on loser street is that this actually third crisis this universe has had in last couple decades. Heroes really not doing their jobs. Comic store owner explain that this story attempt to "raise stakes" and "create excitement and hopefully bring in new readers" by publishing story that would lose new reader in minutes because of convoluted story and thousands of characters.


As far as Monkey Man could tell, bad guys (including gorilla, for serious) drop giant green Schmoo (maybe it Slimer, Monkey Man not sure) on town and blow it up. This piss off Robin, who is not Robin anymore. Green Schmoo blow up Not Robin's town and Robin not happy about it. Monkey Man not blame Not Robin, it kinda a stupid way to go.

Then we see Lex Luthor, who not really Lex Luthor but other Lex Luthor (with hair and Stargate costume) kiss some blonde girl with big boobs and say "we've been messing with your Earth for years" in an attempt to bring his Earth, which not the Earth anymore (entire planet replaced, like Robin) to being the best Earth in the big Earth contest.

We see Superman, who not Superman anymore, hang out with Lois who is dying, which kinda sad but at least she not killed by giant green Schmoo so at least that's something.

Meanwhile, Superboy, who not really Superboy anymore (new readers will love all of this, Monkey Man thinks), goes to new Superboy's house and pick fight. He kicks new Superboy's ass, but new Superboy activates his "T" lapel and calls in a bunch of heroes Monkey Man never see before, but it no matter because Classic Superboy rip their heads off, and their arms off, and cut one in half. So Classic Superboy a killer, New Superboy a wuss, Monkey Man hoping Diet Superboy With Lemon come out of nowhere and set things straight, but it no happen (in this issue anyway).

Back to Not Robin, who talks to Batman (who as far as Monkey Man could tell, is still Batman) and is all "remember the good times" and Not Robin is all "heh, yeah", and for a second they forget about all the dead people in Not Robin's town so that's nice.

Booster Gold, who look like Owen Wilson, come to kid's house and ask why he have Blue Beetle scarab, and Booster Gold learn that kid might become new Blue Beetle, which make Booster Gold mad. Monkey Man thinks in a comic where everyone from Robin to Superman to Earth replaced by someone/something new, this should not surprise Booster Gold, but it does.

Cut away to some black dead dude, who suddenly possessed by Spirit of some albino in a green cloak, thus becoming the new improved Little Green Riding Albino. This sound like stupid comic in theory but Monkey Man weak and know he probably pick up first issue and all it's variant covers because it be worth a lot by the time Monkey Boy go to finishing school.

Back to Superboy, who is still killing generic teen heroes left and right, each time letting out an Urkelesque "did I do that?" when he is sideswiped by Flash (who not the original Flash) and Kid Flash (who not original Kid Flash) and someone who original Flash but not the one we know, because he wear a funny hat with wings. Funny Hat Flash no able to keep up with cooler newer Flashes (hat must be heavy) and he sputter out, but New Flash and New Kid Flash keep running really fast, and realize that for some reason this might kill them, so New Flash contact wife and kids and say "hey, I have to go but you're awesome" and wife say "I'm going with you" and she such good wife that she grab twin baby kids and yank them in, even though they probably die too.

This not kill New Flash however, instead, he magically transported somewhere else that we never see (maybe Narnia) and New Kid Flash punch Superboy when the Second Original Flash (who die in original Crisis) come back and and help punch Superboy. This big revelation, except New Original Flash and New Kid Flash dissapear to Narnia too. First Original Flash with funny hat watch as they dissapear and then he all "speed force is gone" which would be shocking if Monkey Man knew that something called speed force was ever there. RIP, Speed Force, long may you do something or other in heaven.

Meanwhile, Firestorm, who not old Firestorm but newer, blacker Firestorm (original should now be dubbed "Crystal Firestorm") shoot a bunch of people and try to get to not quite Lex Luthor but he no get there and Super New Lex 2.0 manage to bring his newer, happy more innocent world back. It big revelation and now classic happy DC world is back, and dark characters gone. Try and forget that classic innocent DC heroes got rid of "darker" characters by killing and kidnapping and blowing up entire cities, please.

So that what happen. Monkey Man can't wait for next issue, or maybe Cliff's notes so Monkey Man understand what happen. In conclusion: Monkey Man give INFINITE CRISIS four huhs what?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You GO Monkey man - didn't find this until the series was over but - Blonde Girl w/ Big Boobs got sad for Super-Old-Man - he said 'Don't Cry Big Boobs' but she cry anyway and then Super-Old-Man whispers 'Old Lois' and dies...

1:14 PM


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