Sunday, January 22, 2006

Movie Review: Underworld Evolution

Monkey Man go check out UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION because first UNDERWORLD pretty much greatest movie ever, due to one thing: acting of Shane Brolly, who play Kraven.

Kraven understand that movie talk (or, as people with glasses and hymens say, "dialog") need be shouted to high heavens. What point of being on huge movie screen if you going to whisper? Kraven let everyone know exactly how he feeling at all time, there no room for questioning. If it possible to actually have words underlined when you talk, Kraven find a way. He just that good.

Anyway, Monkey Man sit in first row with his GET KRAVEN t-shirt and homemade Kraven action figure (made with body of Buffy "Spike" toy and MacFarlane Janis Joplin head), drinking his Kraven-coke (just regular coke with tons more sugar poured in) and Kraven-popcorn (regular popcorn, but eater must declare "I eating popcoooooooorn" every time he ingest), and settle in as UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION start. Yaaaaaawn. Opening scene no Kraven. Lots exposition, "last week on UNDERWORLD" type bullshit. No girl in vinyl, no handsome dude that turn into Nightcrawler Werewolf.

And then, title come on. Monkey Man somewhat dissapointed name not SHANE BROLLY'S UNDERWORLD or UNDERWORLD KRAVE-OLUTION or even UNDERWORLD, TOO but dissapoint turn to sticky excitement when Shane Brolly storm onto scene. Wow, he even walk obvious, really lets you know he's moving his legs. He about to give giant speech that rock heavens...

...when new bad guy come out of floor and kill Shane Brolly.

That it. No more Kraven. One scene, in and out. Kraven no even have time to clench fists in rage.

Bottom line: UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION completely worthless. Zero Kravens up.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Monkey Man thank me later.

11:57 AM

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