Friday, January 20, 2006

Tonight on a Fresh New Blog: Murder in Smallville X



Monkey Man watch Smallville, and Monkey Man pretty sure Clark going to grow up to be Superman. But before that, someone supposed to die next fresh episode. Jor-El totally take Clark powers away earlier in season, and then give them back but all "well now someone gotta die, so deal". Who it be? Monkey Man figure it out 5000 and beyond. Let's figure this out together. But mostly Monkey Man, you guys shut up.

CLARK KENT

Okay, Clark probably not die. He not Superman yet. Superman die when Doomsday come Metropolis, look to start shit. MIGHT be Clark, though, maybe Doomsday go Clark's college in first five minutes with glasses and gelled hair. He won't be evil monster, but handsome fresh-faced model, a "f-o-g-v-s" (friend of gus van sant) and he kill Clark in pose-off. But no, if Doomsday come into show, he be introduced few episodes earlier so writers could squeeze funny foreshadowing into his dialog "Oh Clark, I've been dying to meet you", or "man, that kid is gonna be the death of me" or "I'm fucking Doomsday, you nitwit".

CHANCE OF CLARK'S DEATH: 7 %

LANA LANG

Nope, she alive in DC world, so she fine. Plus, after watching for five years, Monkey Man figure she die long time ago, they just prop up and move mouth. WEEKEND AT HOTTIES kinda situation.

CHANCE OF LANA'S DEATH: 4%

JONATHAN KENT

Everyone think it gonna be him, because he dead in movies, and original DC continuity, but brought back in 80's. Way things are going in INFINITE CRISIS, he probably going to die again, or four Jonathan Kents that no one remembers will pop up and talk about the Kent Force being gone. So originally Monkey Man think he definitely the guy who die. UNTIL comics2film. com show lots of pictures with spoilers, and many of them Clark standing over Jonathan Kent dead dead dead. Seriously, go check them out. WB release them. BAIT AND SWITCH ANYONE? Monkey Man think so. It not Jonathan Kent, no sir. Besides, everyone know if that actor die they just replace them with identical actor named "Coy" and no one want that.

CHANCE OF JONATHAN KENT'S DEATH: 65 %

MARTHA KENT

They kill her every week. She not going to die. Plus, if it IS Jonathan Kent who die, think of all funny dating episodes they can do. Martha dating Bizarro pretty much ratings grabber.

CHANCE OF MARTHA KENT'S DEATH: 25 %

PETE ROSS

Might be him, he close to Clark, and since he not on show, who care he gone. It kinda cheating, though, and Monkey Man hope it not simply because of Pete Ross' declaration of "Remy Zerrrrrrrrrrrrrro" at prom.

CHANCE OF PETE ROSS' DEATH: 8%

LOIS LANE

SPOILER Clark totally marry her END SPOILER she no die, no way. She so hot bullets bounce off her anyway, only thing deserve touch her is hand of God making a return trip to show off his handiwork. Plus, hasn't she suffered enough, she had to make out with Aquaman.

CHANCE OF LOIS LANE'S DEATH: 0 %

LEX LUTHOR

He totally the best one on show, only way it him if actor wake up one morning in sweat and declare "holy crap, I'm on SMALLVILLE!" and call agents in panic. But no, no, no, Monkey Man know for fact that anyone in SORORITY BOYS can only be killed by other actors from SORORITY BOYS beheading him. He fine.

CHANCE OF LEX LUTHOR'S DEATH: 3 %

LEX'S EVIL/GOOD/EVIL-GOOD (EVOOD) FATHER

Jor-El say it someone close to Clark, and Lex's Dad no close to Clark. If first five minutes of show feature Lex's Dad saving Clark from Kryptonite truck and giving orphan a hay-penny to buy ham for Kents, he dead. If not, he fine.

CHANCE OF LEX'S FATHER'S DAD'S DEATH: 10 %

So who die? Monkey Man only down to one option, and it break his mutant monkey heart.



CHLOE SULLIVAN

She nosy reporter. Lois nosy reporter. She like Clark. Lana like Clark. She confidant. Lana and parents and Pete Ross confidant. She losing her place on show. She not in comic books. Plus she have scenes with Carrie Fisher, and Monkey Man suspect Carrie Fisher keep alive by sucking souls of whoever near.

This terrible idea, Monkey Man love Chloe. Monkey Man begin fresh new ways of killing WB execs if this the case. But it between her and Jonathan Kent, and WB show photos of Jonathan death, that like saying "who will die? It's Jonathan, we swears!" Monkey Man not buying it.

CHANCE OF CHLOE'S DEATH: 73 %

If this the case, Monkey Man have message for Chloe:

Call Monkey Man. Monkey Man have fresh new ideas for Dead Chloe/Monkey Man adventure hour. It mostly involve sex and feeding each other grapes, which admittedly not really adventure, unless someone a parapaledgic. Everything an adventure for them, those lucky SOBs.

Next week: Monkey Man guesses who die on WILL AND GRACE. Monkey Man guesses it probably someone gay and loud.

Peace, Monkey Man outty!

But for serious, Chloe better not be outty of this mortal coil, lest there be full-on fresh monkey retribution.

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